Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Badface Investigates – The Royal Wedding (Writing request)

To me Kate’s dress makes her look like a ghost. Not because she is essentially wearing a big white sheet, but because we are one of the last households in England who don’t have digital TV or a decent Internet connection.

Typically, today of all days, the reception is especially awful. As a consequence I can see two Kate Middletons. Both of them are very fuzzy and almost completely see-through, like projection of a ghost on Scooby-doo.

In my terrible television’s defence the double-vision could be caused by the obscene amount of gin I’ve drunk since waking up this morning.

I’m prone to drinking silly amounts when left alone in the house on an unexpected day off, especially when there is something to celebrate. Because today is a special day for Great Britain I’m searching for oblivion at the bottom of a bottle of supermarket gin. I was going to opt for the more patriotic Pimms with a flag on it, but it seemed too contrived.

Also it cost a lot more.

Kate is walking up the isle now. While off falling off the sofa earlier I discovered that I can almost get her to resolve into a single image if I put one leg in the air to help boost the signal.

To be completely honest I don’t care at all what she looks like, I just want to hear her voice when she says her vows. That’s why I’m struggling to watch this on possibly the world’s worst TV instead of lining the streets waving a tiny plastic flag.

I’ve seen her face loads of times but I’ve never heard her voice. I’m secretly hoping it’s something totally unexpected and she has a really pronounced Russian accent or talks like a Yorkshire miner from the 1930s.

Irritatingly there is a delay between the image and the sound so when they start singing hymns everyone looks like they’ve forgotten the words. I mute the TV and see if I can get the Queen to sync up with some Death Metal.

I’m probably a bit drunk now.

When it finally comes to the vows I quickly turn down ‘Hammer Smashed Face’ and crank up the volume on the tele. The Vicar person is doing his long boring bit building up the anticipation before I can finally hear Kate speak. He seems to be unnecessarily peppering it with strained references to the Church and God to string it out a bit. Poor bloke, this is the most people who will ever listen to him.

During the ‘richer and for poorer,’ line I amuse myself by imagining everyone in the church trying to stifle a laugh through their silk embroidered handkerchiefs and perfect teeth.

Kate finally speaks. She sounds educated but not condescending, upper-class but not unapproachable. Her voice sounds much lovelier than I could have imagined, almost deliberately understated - a theme that they’ve clearly carried through into her dress.

I lose interest after the vows when they all start singing again and stumble off to the pub to discuss Pippa Middleton’s arse over a couple of pints.


As requested by